WH (TRULY DEVOTED TO IMPROVING ACCESS IN CAMBRIDGE)

Fade in. It's lunchtime in the Faculty and, the FT proving particularly onerous today, you're on the search for alternative amusement. The vending machine? No change. Bugger. What else? I wonder what that innocent-looking French exchange student in the corner would look like in a pair of black crotchless... Stop it you perv. You're not a Theologian from Jesus.

What then? You survey the scene again. Dotted around the atrium are various groups and cabals. The Rugby/Drinking Society Boys lolling on the bench to your left are debating whether it would be okay for one of them to wear blue chinos on an outing rather than the customary beige. They quickly conclude the answer is no, and turn to expressing their 'keenness' for shagging the French exchange girl. To your right, the Indie Kids are scuffing up their new Converse and pondering why every artist on their iPods is a junkie with a penchant for wearing midget's-sized jeans. Across the concourse, the Asian Rudebois are aporetic at one of their number's contention that 2pac was his uncle.

Disconsolate, the thought occurs to you: If only some selfless soul would take the time out of their demanding schedule o provide some easy-to-follow foolproof guidelines explaining what exactly one ought to do/say/wear/think if one wants to breaak into a conterie of [insert insular clique here]. Well, in answer to your prayers, as it were, and in a characteristic display of altruism, Will Hedges has stepped up.

Adrian Mole once remarked, "I have a problem. I am an intellectual, but at the same time I'm not very clever." The reverse is truer of most of us here in Cambridge: we're all 'shit hot', but the forward thinkers amongst us are seemingly few. Don't get me wrong, ther are plenty of pretentious, fatuous, pompous, self-congratulatory arses, given to polysyllabic mouthings of banality and cliché; but such persons, I would opine, are mere smartarses. Their vacuous flannel ("Will's suggestion that he is altruistic is sooo post-ironic"), while it may be met with approval from other smartarses, is unlikely to convince the esoteric 'real deal' intellectuals, and is likely to be mt with a swift and dismissive, "I think you'll find".

For this very reason, Part I of the Idiot's Guide concerns one of the most impenetrable of Cambridge Cliques. Inspired by Steve Fuller's musings in a new book The Intellectual, I shall attempt to outline the dos and - grandiloquent ramblers take note - don'ts of bluffing it.

1. What (not) to wear
Let's start with one simple truth: no stupid man ever wore a cravat. In fact, neckwear of any sort suggests a pensive nature, but don't be tempted to go too eccentric - multi-coloured socks or a beret will just make you look like a twat. Girls, basically the dowdier the better; although blokes will probably be fooled by a pair of glasses.

2. Words
The game's not necessarily up if, when in the company of an intellectual, you're called on to speak. Just remember that when Kant suggested that the essence of being an intellectual is 'autonomy' and 'independence of thought', what he really meant was bullshitting.

Start, says Fuller, by routinely adopting positions that don't seem in your interests to uphold. Say you're from an aristocratic background. You simply need to disown your status and champion the poor and downtrodden. Throw out your deck shoes. Dedicate your life to undoing the inequities, in part to atone for your own complicity in them. Furthermore, and as a necessary corollary to this, humility is key. If someone asks you if you're an intellectual, you must remain aloof. Hubristic comments like, "He is the Pound to my T.S. Eliot", aren't going to cut it.

A sure way to sound clever is to number your points: "And fourteenthly" is a formidable way to start a sentence. Also, mess around with your adjectives: "That episode of Neighbours was delightfully arch" is a good example. While you mustn't fall into the trap of coming across as a smartarse (see above), don't be perturbed if your words have no meaning. If someone challenges you, call them a racist. Intellectuals don't understand non-sequiturs.

Knowledge
On occassion you might actually be expected to know about things. You know - ballet, Eastern-Bloc politics, who Stanislavsky was - stuff like that. In particular, there are a few books you'll need to pretend to have read. For starters, there's Plato's Republic (clever people should rule the world), usefully contrasted with Robert Pisig's Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintainance (Plato was wrong; buy a car). The real intellectual's favourite Shakespeare is always The Tempest. Never mention Nitzsche. Real intellectuals will smirk.

Finishing touches
Cultivate an eclectic specialty. Personally, I'd be enormously impressed by someone well versed in 18th-century Begali ska. Also, support a good cause. However, make sure it's not Greenpeace. You don't want people to put you down as a tree hugging buffoon.

SPOT THE INTELLECTUALS COMPETITION

We would normally give you the answers here except that we geniunely can't find them. So if you can do better, please do .
     -P